The Chair

Known for his resourcefulness, when early man got tired of standing around, he came up with the idea for the chair.

"Well, first I had to figure sitting out," said an early man. "Once I got that down, the chair just sort of invented itself."

Indeed, the chair is so natural a place to sit that beyond actually having been made for sitting, it was really made for sitting.

I spoke to early man on the phone, "I bet you're sitting down right now," he told me. I confessed that I was. "I was there at the beginning and before the sitting we did a lot of leaning. Problem there is you're still sort of standing. No one had any idea yet about shoes or floor mats, so it still put a lot of pressure on the shins and all through the lower back. In a gatherer culture that might be ok, but if I cramp up while running down some animal, the soup's looking pretty thin.

"After leaning, all we really had was lying down, which leaves you prone to predators and lowers productivity in general. Sometimes, I can be totally wired, I settle into some grass to relax and I'm just out."

Early man has employed sitting disparately, ranging from resting after a long and historically ambiguous migration, to simply relaxing with friends while enjoying a cool handful of creek water. Since then, man has progressed greatly with his use of sitting and today people can be seen sitting almost everywhere.

An early sociologist man said, "It was a real leap forward in romantic intimacy when girls and boys saw that the lap of someone in a chair conforms to the outline of a chair almost perfectly. With the engineering aspect gone, it was really just a matter of acquiescence as to whether this could be an amenable place to sit."

People are so comfortable sitting now, that many have their own personal styles. There are loungers, learners, and leaners, just to name a few.

"We've had this debate many times," two friends reported.

"I like to sit with my legs crossed at the ankle," one friend said.

The other friend responded, "I'm a big believer in leg crossing, but I go for the knee. It's so comfortable, more streamlined, and looks sort of smart."

"I just think it's not as comfortable," said the first friend.

While these two friends have picked out a signature style, many others chose a blended approach. A man who was sitting said, "I go legs-at-the-knee until I can feel the pulse, then I start to switch it up."

Though sitting has been around for thousands of years, it doesn't look like it will be going away anytime soon. Chair orders this fall are steady, modern man will generally only be found standing on public transports when no seats or amenable laps remain, and many devote entire blogs to the poetics of sitting down. "Have a Seat," "The Art of Relaxation," and "Why Don't You Take a Load Off" are popular destinations.

One doctor reported, though, that sitting has its drawbacks. "Many of my patients come in here," he said, "and they tell me they don't get any exercise. It shows. Adipose tissue. Malaise. Poor body health. They really love to sit."

A patient sitting in a chair in the waiting room at the doctor's office said, "I've tried really hard not to sit, but it's in my blood."

I told him that an early man had invented sitting.

"There you go. Like right now I'm sitting and in a few minutes I know I'm going to stand up, go in the office, they're going to do some medical measurements, and then they're going to tell me to sit down and as much as I know what it can do, I'll just cave."

Paths to Success.

Admit to your mistakes, but never apologize for them. They are part of you. Don't say you're sorry for a mole. It may be a freckle that you haven't yet given a chance to grow. You will never make excuses for a single hair out of place. Say this out loud. By putting this speech into the world, you will internalize its meaning. That message will undergo the process of becoming part of you. This process is a natural. Do not say you are sorry for a new part of you. Every snowflake must determine what it is about itself that makes it worth distinguishing from other forms of precipitation. Say this out loud.

Say this out loud:

"I am a gentle creature, worthy of existence. I would not harm a fly on your head. There are mysteries to discover. I will discover those mysteries. I may not solve them. This may be my fault, it may be someone else's fault, but it is the way of nature. When I sing it will be from my chest and not the back of my throat. This will create a richer, gentler sound that is internal to itself, made of me, and worthy of my existence."

Edit your work, but never change it. Think about what you say, but never correct another person's diction or syntax. Always imagine yourself in glowing light. Dress well. Eat the center of foods. Eat to their centers. Consume life. Understand what you can. Live all day. Sleep at night.

The coffee ring on the table

I have no coasters on my coffee table. Still, I take precautions. I don't know that I care about rings on the coffee table. But I do care about the possibility of rings on the coffee table.

Possible Reasons Why I Care about the Possibility of Rings on the Coffee Table

1. Bemoan wasted coffee

2. Want to have nice things

3. Inscrutability of what causes "rings."

4. Not wanting to get into trouble

There are great freedoms within the confines of even a small dwelling.

Dairy-based Freedoms within Confines, Brought Back Around

I will continue to buy whole milk with moral impunity. I will make French Toast out of peanut butter sandwiches. Half-and-Half may be drunk without accompaniment. I can discard an entire container of cheese due to of one spot of mold and I will continue to revel in drinking directly from the milk jug, but I will not set it down on the coffee table without an entire ad mailer for absorption.

Popcorn and Plastic

The vestibule of every Target store I've ever been in smells like popcorn and plastic. Today I walked into a bus station redolent of boredom and urine. I once had to wait in an airport for a long time. That stunk. When people says that something "smells" they mean it produces a foul smell, rather than it is "of odor." The part of the brain where one may gain access to memory is close to the place that deals with smells. There is limited room in the brain. "Picking your nose" rarely refers to preparations for plastic surgery. Dogs lick their noses in lieu of having a mucus membrane and in order to stay cool in the summer. Each dog has one nose. Getting an answer "on the nose" is the same as "hitting the nail on the head." The heads of nails do not have noses. Nails with heads: standard. Heads with nails: problematic. A man once gained a small amount of fame by hammering a nail into his head through a nostril. Not hitting the nail on the head may have led to him getting it "on the nose."

Finding Thinking: A Distancing Technique

I find that when I start to write about something I've noticed I often start with the phrase, "I find."

"I find that things seem different to me since the turning of the weather." "I find that in thinking about the self, one necessarily detaches oneself from the thing one seeks to understand. This necessary distancing disallows the intimacy needed to truly find the 'I'."

What a pretentious bore. That "in thinking" business is the same thing. They're crutches. Instead of just diving in to what I want to write, I feel compelled to soften, qualify, distance myself from what I'm trying to say.

Sort of like telling someone something and beginning with "I just wanted to say..." Infuriating. Of course you wanted to say it, evidenced by the fact that you are now saying it.

Or, in the classroom setting, a hand in offered up tentatively, the synecdoche called upon by the teacher, causing the student, incredibly, to blush in voice and declare, "I was just going to say..."

Sure. This is, of course, true. You were, I was, going to say to say it, and now we are saying it. Phrase equals moot. It cancels itself out. Logically speaking, it has no purpose.

But, of course, it does. It is rare that anyone actually does anything illogical. They simply are operating under a different logic.

So what do these "I finds" and "just going to says" do? Why haven't we laughed them out of existence?

I leave that to you, dear reader, as part teaching tool, part cop out.

Good luck.

Chomp

Major ice storm leaves major ice: I bit it walking in today. Thought I had it, kicked one leg this way, threw my rear end out that way, stabilized, then clunk. Not even a good, solid fall with the feet in the air, arm extending backwards. Sort of a half bend-over, catching myself on the jagged ice with my hands, immediately frozen from their contact.

Three minutes of careful snow stepping later, pull out my mitts for a glance over and man I should have worn gloves for all kinds of reasons. One reason: raspberry syrup between the digits. Happy Birthday. Little late, but the thought that counts, right?

Hustle up to nearest bathroom, rinky-dink band-aid and aren't-I-a-tough-guy, sweat from the rest of the walk pasting my shirt to my back, a you-deserve-it cup of coffee. I'll give you a fair trade--that monster truck that ripped past as I gave a very personal hello to the sidewalk stopping to ask if I'd like to make the rest of my journey in the front seat. Why should he get a free show?

I didn't.

Contingencies and A Lot of Whether...

Can there be a difference in the quantity of weather?

I'm reminded of my consistent complaint that there is no such thing as a "very unique event." A thing is either completely unlike anything else or it is not.

Or is it? Each snowflake is different, I hear, but, really, aren't they pretty much all the same? And they're really not all that unusual. Look outside right now. But what about a tractor trailer jackknifing in another jackknifing tractor trailer, their bulks and cargoes colliding and combining, through a unique confluence of barometric pressure and wind gusts, into a new, unique form of transportation called the foxtrot double-wide.

Wouldn't that be very unique? Certainly more so than a measly ol' snowflake.

Speaking of those guys, don't I experience weather mostly as it relates the effect it has on my level of perturbation? That is, if I walk outside and on my way to jumping into my new FT Double Wide and I don't take note of what's going on with the temperature, breeze, sunniness, etc., isn't it lacking in umph, thus needing more to make itself known?

Isn't it?